mothers day

Why should I start feeling melancholy as mothers day rapidly approaches. This is an arbitrary day when someone deemed it fit to celebrate mothers. Don't get me wrong, we need our efforts celebrated but singling out one day..I trained my children early in life that it was all commercial rubbish, well now I am older and they live away from home and to boot I am alone it is suddenly hard. I miss them all all the time anyway but this day looming makes it all the more difficult.  Perhaps I am in a dark place at the moment and I need them. Silently I will sit on the fence being my own best friend as I always have. Lets just hope that I wake up in the morning with a better attitude and that mothers day does not consume me. And my guilty secret is that just once I would like them all to suprise me and turn up together, before I reach 90 and am too old to get out of my wheelchair..... they are all good people with lovely families and that should be enough. My mum always said that they are only on loan to you whenever she came to see one of my newborn children.... good job no one reads this but me. Think I am also missing Simon today. Will rally and get over it.

Is there an end to grief?
I don't expect there to be It softens and allows me to breathe, until the moment when I gasp, a gasp into the darkness of reality. The lightness in the wee small hours offers respite.

post ten

wow! I have reached post no 10. Pity that I think more than I write as I would love to get all my thoughts down on paper, never mind. Been holed up and grounded for a few days with the old inflamed back issue. Means rest and ice. Sitting is kept to a minimum as it seems to hurt the bum bones then it just feels sore. Methinks that the 6 and half hours standing and sorting at the OP shop as a volunteer last Wednesday did it. So I had to cancel going to Ballarat to see the Archibald prize with Michelle on Friday, and canceled going to help Troy at his shop on Saturday. Am going to try to go to Ballarat this saturday. Saw Rosemary and Bill yesterday and will be doing a little house sitting for them soon, though because it is so close I will be back and forth to tend to my own garden. Barb is still in Queensland, miss her. Lyn has left for Tasmania, going to miss her though we really did just strike up a friendship. I wish I had her strength, bodily that is. Anyway she gave me a few trinkets and plants to remember her by and she will pop back occasionally.
It is horribly hot today with a warm north wind. My least favourite type of weather. Garden watered and a little exercise done but too hot out there for a walk just yet and not doing long walks until back is settled. Off to docs soon.
Christmas is approaching and that means another bd for me. All without Simon. I miss him. I will spend xmas eve with my children and grandchildren then xmas day partly with sue and don. Cant say that I am all that festive yet but maybe it will arrive.
Enough sitting , time for a lay down and read before off to docs.

post nine

Been a while. Since I am writing this for myself and really have no expectations of anyone else reading it I suppose it does not matter. Limbo, that is how I feel at the moment. A bit numb, a bit displaced, a bit aimless. It could be the changeability of spring. Warm days, cold days, then warm days then cold days and so on... I have never enjoyed spring weather, always feel gloomy and unsettled after the stability of winter. Wind really upsets me. I wonder why? I have had two days of being inside, doing not a lot, by choice. Winter poundage needs to come off and that means more exercise and less cheese and chocolate. My diet is primarily healthy with no grains to speak of and little sugar, but still the pounds creep on. I have done less exercise this winter because of a respiratory virus and it is so hard to get going again.  

post eight

my intention to write every day is about as sad as my intention to draw every day at the moment. I will try again.
Spring is upon us, my least favourite time of the year as the weather is so changeable. I am tired of the cold but not wanting the heat either..mmm.
Today is Fiona Baronowski's 51st bd, well it would have been. She died last year. She was my dear, dear friend. Happy birthday Fiona wherever you are. Perhaps with Simon. I miss her, we all miss her. A force of life is my favourite description of her.
Time passes oh so quickly yet the sadness oh so slowly. Over a year now Simon, gosh a year. Incredibly you seem more present now than ever, that I can't explain. I have started listening to some of your records. Cannot say I enjoyed Emerson,Lake and Palmer one bit but I got to the end, mercifully the LP's are shorter than CDs. There are many more to plough through and in the next two weeks I will get through them. Got to remember that they are two sided though. So used to CDs.
Finished reading The Rosie Project and thoroughly enjoyed it, on to The Rosie Effect soon.
Bought two lovely red tub chairs from the op shop, they look nice in the lounge.
A new friend who is selling up and travelling in her van soon came to deliver the chairs, Lynne. She was delighted by my abode and pronounced me as having Eclectic taste... mmmm... I think that is a fancy word for All Over the Place... but I don't mind, because I am most of the time. I must see her before she leaves. Just sent a message so on the ball.
Last weekend I went to Troys shop and caught up with gorgeous grandaughters Darcie and Shae. Darcie is growing so fast and such a lovely young lady. Shae is sweet with a mountain of issues that I only hope I am helping with. She wanted to come back to stay with me for the weekend, a short but fun stay. We chat a lot. She decided to try to teach me to sing, not successfully, but I tried. I would like to hold a tune and perhaps will have lessons one day. At the moment I am flat and nasal. We popped in to see Sue and Don then home to chill out. Sunday we went for a drive to potentially look at sustainable houses and gardens around the Bellarine with my friend Michelle. Whoops, got the wrong weekend which was why there was no-one at the houses. So on to ARmstrong Creek to look at display homes with Michelle as she has purchased a block of land there and needs to consider what type of house to build on it. That was fun. Shae enjoyed it which brought up all sorts of discussions about her future, her mother, her schooling etc. After a lengthy chat mainly about staying at school and maybe thinking about becoming a beautician one day we went shopping for bathers for her then back to Werribee to meet Troy. Chelsea was there so that was a bonus for me, have not seen that grandaughter for yonks, so different to her sister, self assured and confident most of the time.
All would have been totally pleasant if I had realised that Shae still had her restaurant op shop heels on and that sparked a fuse with her father who expected her to have her runners on. My fault as I let her wear them not realising that she has weak ankles and they are not appropriate. As usual when I think I have upset the applecart I weep. This of course makes it worse as then Troy thinks that he has upset me. He is like piggy in the middle having to deal with Shaes mother, Shae and me.... I really try not to make it worse for him no matter what I think. Anyway after hugs all round and Troy realising that I am still fragile when anyone gets upset at me we all went off to and Indian meal.  I had had many talks with Shae over the weekend about keeping her Epipen with her as she is anaphylactic. That set her anxiety off over dinner and she thought she was having trouble breathing because of the meal.... got all that sorted with her but I will have to be more careful just what I enlighten her about, she is still very young at 14 and has high anxiety.
Time for a walk and something to eat, cars being shunted back and forth in the driveway at moment and seems the van will live in my dining room window frame for the fortnight. Blocks the light but what can I say.

Have begun the research into beautician courses for shae so hopefully I will be able to help.

post seven

Nearly one week since last post, was not my intention to leave it that long. Where does time go? It was a busy week with my grandaughter Shae staying, returning her to Werribee to her father, volunteer work and lots of other jobs in between. Today is Saturday. Grand Final Day here, the Bulldogs vs the Sydney Swans. The Dogs won, first time in about 60 years. Well done dogs. Simon took his last breath at the bounce of the ball on Grand Final Day last year, it was then the 3rd October. This year the Grand Final has fallen on the 1st October so it is another day or so before the real anniversary comes and smacks me in the face. What a surreal day today. I volunteered at the Salvation Army Opportunity Shop for 4 hours among people who knew and liked Simon, he volunteered there before he died. Then I went to the hospital to visit the Salvation Army "boss' Peter who fell out of a tree a couple of weeks ago and now sports a compound fracture to his leg. It was his birthday and his family were in Tasmania scattering his father in laws ashes, for obvious reasons Peter could not be there. So a group of Salvo volunteers and officers got together at the hospital to help celebrate Peters birthday with him, we all watched the Grand Final together and a riotous time was had. The most surreal and difficult part for me was being on the same hospital floor as simon was on last year. All so familiar. Interestingly, as I walked through the hospital doors, I felt like a visitor. This time last year it was like a second home. Tough but I got through it with the help of friends. A motley crew, but they are a family or sorts who all stick by one another. So the day is coming to a close as I sit here bathing in the warmth of the loungeroom at home after having dinner at Sue and Dons. House renovation shows are silently screening on the TV as I fiddle here on the computer and get some thoughts out.
One year almost. How quickly it has passed but how much has changed in that time. The sadness passes more slowly, if at all. Today though I felt Simons presence more than I have at any time in the past year.

Post Six

Still Sunday, well for another hour. A day of reading and pottering. Finally threw out the over a year old vege laagne that I made for simon before he died.. The freezer was filled and could not bring myself to chuck it till now. I know it was just lasagne but it was also another link to the familiar past that is fast slipping away. Sometimes the sadness is overbearing. How true that you dont realise what you have until its gone.